Marty’s Mighty Masterful Mule Tale – Autumn 2017

Marty has a regular column in The Mule, which is the journal of the British Mule Society. He says some fairly outrageous things sometimes but I try not to police him too much; I wouldn’t like to stifle my mule’s creativity!

Here is the column he wrote for the last journal, which was the Summer/Autumn 2017 issue.

My Mighty Masterful Mule Tale
By Marty Mule

Alright. So, as it turns out, Golden Boy might not be so bad after all. Why, you ask? He knows how to take down the nasty stinging fence without getting stung!!

Isn’t that marvellous?! Because I am a very brave mule, I am able to jump over the fence once it’s on the ground and follow him out. The horses are too afraid and so Golden Boy and I get to run around and eat everything until Friendly turns up and tells us to go back in.

The only problem is that Golden Boy doesn’t really make the most of this talent. If it were me, I would take down the fence as soon as Friendly leaves in the morning – that way, we’d get to do what we want and eat what we want all day. There’d be no one to tell us no. But instead, Golden Boy will only take down the fence if he sees Friendly arrive and she doesn’t immediately give him something to eat or put his halter on and take him out somewhere. He says it makes him mad when she forgets to take him with her – he thinks she’s a bit forgetful, and it’s his duty to help her out. I think he’s crazy, personally. Don’t remind her to put your halter on! That’s the worst thing that can happen!

My summer has been quite relaxing. I’ve been having to retrain the lady who trims our feet because earlier this year she PULLED OUT ONE OF MY BELLY HAIRS and it was awful, truly. She and Friendly tried to claim it was an accident but I made sure that it was a long time before I let Trimmer Lady touch that foot again. People are so cruel to mules sometimes.

I do have a confession to make, though. I used to think that I didn’t want to get a job or wear my stupid halter or do as I was told; I thought staying in the field all day was the best thing. And for a while, it was. But then Golden Boy and Friendly got to go off and have all these cool adventures … and I started thinking maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. I do quite like going out and seeing things, even though everything is incredibly scary. I got to go out on a walk the other day with Friendly and Cash Pony, and I was extremely brave when two dogs started barking at us! As you know, I hate dogs and think they’re the scariest thing ever. But I stood my ground, and when the second dog came running straight at me I was amazed to see Friendly step forward and smack my leadrope so hard against the road that the dog immediately turned around and ran the other way. She does have her uses, after all!

So I’ve been making more of an effort lately, and have allowed Friendly to catch me every time she wants to … except once, because it was raining, and I hate rain. But then she just shrugged, and said “If you don’t want to come to the new field then that’s fine”, and took everyone else instead! I wasn’t having that!

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