8 Least Favourite Mules

I’ve been playing with Portent’s title generator recently. As I haven’t been doing much with my boys due to my useless hand, I was a little lost for blog ideas and a quick Google introduced me to the world of generators. My favourite titles so far have to be “How Mules are Part of a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy” and “How To Fight Lex Luther Using Only Mules”, although there were some in there that were surprisingly on the money – “Why The Amish Were Right About Mules”, for example, and “How To Build An Empire With Mules” (Ancient Assyria, anyone?).

Anyway, content for those will have to wait for another day. Now’s the time for me to tell you about my…

Eight Least Favourite Mules

1. Unexpectedly Tall Mule. This is a very impractical mule. I mean, he’s good if someone tells you to get off your high horse as you can zing back with “He’s not a horse, he’s a mule! Hahahaha!”, and he’s useful for scaring off bears and wizards I guess, but that’s where the value ends. If you set out with a 14hh mule and come back with with an 18hh, it can cause a lot of problems.

 

2. The Mule That Did This. There’s nothing worse than a cold wind up your nether regions. The Buttock Unveiler is a menace to all around him and especially to the poor sod who has to pay for it. I’d recommend exorcism.

 

3. This One. He’s not even a mule and he’s still on this list, that’s how bad he is.

 

4. Conspiracy Mules. I should have saved this one for my conspiracy post. These are a terrible kind of mule to have as they will conspire against you (hence the name) and lead others astray. Before you know it you’ll start believing that the moon landings were faked, that the aliens built the pyramids, and that Nic Cage is not the greatest actor ever to have graced our humble lives (he is).

 

5. This Stanley. Look out, he’s got a knife*! What a terrible idea for a mule! 0/10, would not recommend!

 

6. The Curious Chomper. This mule just can’t help himself. He gotta. He just gotta. But only when you’re not looking, and to be fair he’ll only do it gently, just a little test. I award him four stars for cunning.

 

7. The Bluebell Urinator. Way to ruin a good photo, my dude! Climate change is YOUR fault! Who sees a beautiful, pristine woodland scene and decides to widdle on it? Wrong’uns, that’s who. Do not take these mules out in public.

 

8. The Ballista Driver. I don’t need to explain this one, surely? This mule was bred for war and has never forgotten it. You can’t train it out of them. You might think you have, but you haven’t. Just when you think everything’s fine you’ll turn up at the field one day with a halter in hand and before you know it the mule’s rolled out the siege engines and you’re having to marry your daughter off to strengthen alliances with Spain.

 

* It’s not a real knife, it’s a rubber LARP safe knive, just in case someone out there thinks I’d really allow my mule to handle an actual knife (even if he did steal this one from my wrist sheath). I’m not an idiot. I know that what this mule really needs is an AK-47.

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Mulographer Sari

Sari was raised by cats which accounts for her solitary nature, occasional mania, and attraction to shiny objects. After riding and being around horses for 22 years, she discovered that she was, in fact, a mule girl and fell hopelessly in love with these extraordinary creatures. She lives in England and is married to Ben, who is potentially the best Ben who ever Benned.

6 Responses

  1. I defy anyone to get through this post without literally laughing out loud at least eight times. Nine if you’re not a Nicolas Cage fan (I am). xx

  2. The Ballista Driver only needs a giant spear and a fierce dragon coming at him… Seriously, he has to have seen that Hobbit scene, right?
    Hilarious post!

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